In Pursuit of Happiness

Aharon (Alan) Romm, P.C. 
President/CEO of Productive Living Institute International

Rabbi Simcha Wasserman aptly puts it: “Life is simple; people are complex”. True, we all have everyday problems: sickness, marriage, children, job, friends, family etc. But the way you handle your problems depends on how you act and react in each situation; on your attitudes and thoughts, and how you view and evaluate events and situations. You create your own emotional world.  

Practice, Practice, Practice TAPP.

Human emotions

Dr. MORRIS MANDEL
Where Are Those Men?

Dear Dr. Mendel,
I cannot count how many years I have been reading and following your weekly columns. Many of them have awakened me to the problems that exist today, especially those that pertain to the "singles'' scene. I am 40 years of age, have never been married, hold two university degrees, and certainly can hold my own in the company of men. I am not overweight,or oversized nor undersized. I hold down an excellent position, dress well and know how to use cosmetics. Yet with all my apparent qualifications, I haven't found a sincere man, one seeing a committed relationship with a woman. I hear the same complaint all around me.

The men write to you swearing that they are not exclusively Interested in womens looks, their monetary status, their education level, or even in the attraction of sexual chemistry. They bemoan their fate of not being able to locate that particular woman with whom they can spend the rest of their lives. "The women are in hiding" they claim. women fear commitment, and fear meeting men on blind dates. Certainly, I am not hiding! I quickly accept a blind date that is recommended to me by a friend or relative, though I admit these dates don't come often enough to suit me. Men are not what they claim to be .There are those who state that they have risen above the materialistic. The unmarried males I have met display masses of denial - they seek the replica of their daydreams - the youthfulness of an l8-year-old college deb, the intellect of a 30-year -old,the beauty of a movie star, the homemaking skills of their mothers, and the awakening of the passion they had when they were at least 10 to 15 years younger. Without admitting this, they have convinced themselves that many women are Inadequate, don't live up to their expectations .They want 100 perfection perfection In the female answer to their dreams.

I ask of men who read this If you seek a warm, caring relationship with a woman, how come you haven't found her? Where do you seek her? How come you haven't discovered me? Are you on some hopeless chase in the same way as Ponce de Leon sought the dreamed- of "fountain of Youth"? I am prepared to meet you: talk with you, go out on a date, even "Dutch treat" Single life holds little attraction for me I have so much to give.
Yet, I don't seek some prince Charming. Now have I fallen prey to the "lover boys" in the daily soap operas.
If you agree with this letter, write to me, care of Dr Mandel at THE JEWISH PRESS. I promise not to overlook your correspondence Perhaps you, too, are seeking, and have missed the road leading to marital fulfillment

Answer

What a dilemma! Both sexes are on a breathless search to find one another, and the prolonged, Intensive search seems to be fruitless, plagued with frustration and disappointment. Men and women both suspect unwholsome motives in each other. They rely on blundering logic, not realizing that nothing can be more illogical than strict, naked logic. Marri
age is an attainable human condition, marital bliss, however, is reserved for those who have set their minds on making marriage a career - the ultimate in living and in caring, being completely unselfish and feeling that life is empty if not shared with a loving spouse.
Both men and women must be mature before they are married. With such maturity, marriage can offer them a final opportunity to mature, to grow up. Marriage should result in a relationship where appreciation increases as the parties grow older. Married life should be the "Heaven on earth'' and lt can be. Married life should ensure youthfulness, that if both parties care for one another. Marriage is something to which you have to give your whole mind and heart. To do this, you Must marry your equal compatibility is the primary asset you should seek.

It is a question of the right man and the right woman meeting each other and once having met, continuing to appreciate and encourage the strengths of their mates. It is wrong to leave kind words, act of appreciatetion, and vows of eternal love on tombstones. The dead cannot read or benefit from these carved words of deveotion and dedication.
So, what is wrong with a person seeking a mate who measures up to certain qualifications! I would never advise a P.H. D to marry a young, sexy elementary school dropout. The physical aspect of the relationship will soon give less and less pleasure. I don't want to minimize the need for chemistry in a mate, but there are other matters to be considered. What about mutual interests? What about similar values? There has been so much written about "love at first sight" what about seeking a love that grows, the more you see him/her - a love that is far more precious than the thrill of being captivated by broad shoulders, muscular build. Neither sex nor wealth should be the poetry of life. In the mere act of caring for another person lies marital wisdom and marital peace.

You cannot look at marriage in the same way that you watch a movie. Bear in mind that the movie is all make-believe, as are a good number of soap operas and TV commercials. Men and women seeking marriage should remove the wax from their ears, and take off their blindfolds. Don't ask for too much, and don't settle for too little. Men and women should cease living in a nebulous, never-never land of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Don't allow doubt to eat away at you. Knowledge is an antidote to doubt.

These are the ideas you must bear in mind in your search for that special person. Don't believe that all men are materialists, nor should you believe that all men seek that impossible dream. I firmly believe that the future of society ls in the hands of the right woman who has the capacity of understanding, of caring, and of loving.
I must confess that I receive letters daily, from unmarried men who ask ''Where are the women? '' Men claim that women have a case of matirial rigor mortis. If they are divorced, they come with an over-loaded emotional crate of marital woes.

Keep looking. Patience will pay off In most cases, it will get you what impatience failed to achieve. It Is my hope that readers of this column will respond. There are many number of men and women who have joined the
American Israel Friendship Group, all Interested In marriage.

Youth Speaks Up
Dr. MORRIS MANDEL

Digging For Treasures

Here In Israel archelogists keep digging for hidden treasures of the past. They hope to learn about the old civilization, those of hundreds of years ago. No doubt, great insight into the past comes to light.
It might be an excellent idea if we dug a little Inside ourselves to see what effect the past has exerted on us. When you are relaxed, resting after a day's work, you can concentrate on yourself. The past begins to emerge, the successes and the failures. You get to understand yourself and so are able to minimize the failures, learn from them, but you do not allow them to Interfere with what you want to do now. If you understand yourself a little bit better, you will be a better functioning individual.
What individual treasures can you recover from all this Inner searching? There are such treasures as self- respect, self-esteem, self-confidence, to name but a few.
Remember, you are the architect of your future, and so you must make the plans and take the responsibility.

You Can Say That Again!
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests In your hair.
Too many folks are killing themselves trying to live.
It is just as bad making a molehill out of a mountain as from making a mountain out of a molehill.
Tolerance is the ability to keep your shirt on when you are hot under the collar.
The best kind of music to have at home is domestic harmony
To Dad
Nothing can make you feel older than the discovery that what I am studying in my history class today is what you studied in current events.
Think
Think twice before you speak if you intend to say what you think.
The Puzzle Comer
The names of three kinds of United States money are hidden in this single sentence. "The new doll arrived in a box whose dimension around its center was 18 inches. '' It should take you lese than one minute to find the hidden moneys.
Expressive Language
What do you think are the 10 most expressive words in the English language?
Dr. Funk, the man who published a popular dictionary, selected the following.
Alone: The most bitter word
Mother: The most revered word
Death: The most tragic word
Love: The most beautiful word
Revenge: The most cruel word.
Tranquil: The most peaceful word
forgotten: The saddest word
Friendship: The warmest word
No: The coldest word.
Faith: The most comforting word.
Terse Verse
By the yard, life is hard
By the inch, life a cinch!
Try This One!
Father: "Yes, you may ask a question, but make it brief."
Son: ''Wel1, when a doctor gets sick and another doctor doctors him, does the doctor doing the doctoring have to doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor doctor in his own way?"
A Genuine 'Somebody'
''He is a person who is clean both inside and outside;
who neither looks up to the rich nor down to the poor;
who can lose without squealing and win without bragging,
who is considerate of women, children, and old people,
who is too brave to lie, too generous to cheat;
and who takes his share of the world and lets other people have theirs ''
For Your scrapbook
A shirt waving on a clothes line was the beginning of a great balloon, forerunner of the Zeppelin.
A spider web strung across a garden path was the inspiration for the suspension bridge.
A tea kettle singing on the stove suggested the steam engine.
A lantern swinging in a tower gate gave rise to the pendulum.
An apple falling from a tree was the clue to the discovery of the law of gravity.
Tight Budget
A teenager sent his girl friend her first orchid with this note: "With all my love and most of my allowance''
Dear Dr. Maddel
I am a '70-year-old reader of Youth Speaks Up, and I enjoy it as much as if I were 17 years of age. lf I had my life to live all over again, I would make it a rule to read at least one book a week, to listen to some music at least 20 minutes each day, and to keep on learning something new as often as possible. Perhaps had I followed this advice when I was much younger, my brain today would be more alert, and my appetite for life more eager I can only hope that shaw's statement of "Youth is wasted on the young" is no longer true today.
For the Soul
From every doubt and fears O L-rd,
In mercy set us free,
while in the confidence of prayer
Our hearts draw near to Thee

In all our trials, struggles, joys,
Teach us Thy love to see,
Which by the discipline of life,
Would draw us near unto Thee

Submitted by Hannah Sobel

A Happy Survivor

Today my family of origin would be called dysfundional. There was tremendous tension within the family which was denied. Mother and Father screamed at each other for hours. In the street though we all smiled and were considered a respectable, hard working, religious family. Within the family, the answer to all problems, financial, health and emotional was to scapegoat the youngest child.
"we would have a wonderful family. if it were not for that stupid, clumsy ox. '' namely me.
When I started school, age six, we found out why I was so clumsy. I could not even see the blackboard. Half blind, I was given thick glasses, and the other kids nicknamed me "four eyes'. I felt humiliated at home and in school.
At the end of that first school year, the name 'stupid' was confirmed. I was left back in grade one, almost like failing kindergarten. The problem? I could not learn to read and write. In those days, as I write this I am 65, they did not know about dyslexia. Either you were smart and learned, or stupid and did not learn. So the school system labeled me stupid, and at home there were three bright children and one clumsy moron.
The abuse I received at home was both physical and verbal. My oldest brother and I shared a bedroom, and every night he would punch me repeatedly over and over, as he intoned, "Take it.
Take it. Take it." He never explained why he was punching me, and I had learned not to Aqk; because if I asked I got double.
When I was eleven, my mother died. The older sister came to me with hate on her face and in her voice and told me, "You killed her, by being so troublesome in school. You caused her aggravation, and you killed her" So my motherjust died, and I murdered her, and both at age eleven. I was told I cried a long time after mother's death. I do not remember, but I am sure I cried more for myself than for my mother. When I was 14, that same sister came to me with the same hate on her face and in her voice and said, "We are a poor family. We do not have any money. What little we have is being put aside so the oldest brother can go to college, because he is smart. You are so stupid you will not even finish High School, so do not ask for anything. There's nothing for you." I recall once, as a teenager, crying very hard. My father asked me why I was crying. because I was crying so hard, I could not answer him. With a scowl on his face, he gave me a vicious slap across the face and said, "Now you have reason to cry".
But in spite of the negative opinions of my family, or, perhaps better said, to spite them all, I finished High School. and college, and earned a master's degree in psychology.
And perhaps to spite the school system that that left me back in grade one for reading and writing problems, my first professional job was with the system as a classroom Junior High School teacher of English.
If I had a problem with a student, behavioral or academic, in the afternoon I would make a home visit to get a fuller picture of the child's background. Whatever the problem was, almost always it disappeared after my home visit. I did not realize it at the time, but my students and their families felt my visits showed my personal interest in the student, and they responded by being more serious, sincere and studious in their efforts and studies.
22 years ago I moved to Israel. For a year I worked as an English teacher, but I did not like it. I realized I wanted to work with the children's hearts, not their intellect. Then I worked as a school psychologist, but 90% of the work was testing and evaluating for placement, such as special education. Then for 20 years I works as a guidance councilor in a religious High School, where 90% of my work was directly with the children, and sometimes, with their teachers and parents. Last year I retired and now have time to enjoy self-help groups and adult classes.
A couple of months ago, at a lecture by Alan Romm on Life Fulfillment, he asked me if I had a fulfilled life, and I said "partially". He then asked if I had success with the children, I told him of two incidents that stood out in my mind. At one time three children from the same class came to me crying that their teacher was having them expelled from the High School. Reason? One boy came with the bottoms of his pants too tight. As an aside, 50 years ago in New York when I was their age, that was the latest style and was called "peg pants" In any case, I felt that that was a silly reason for expulsion. The boy must be a behavior problem.
The second boy had let his hair grow down to his neck. It was to long. Again I could not believe that was cause for expulsion. He too must be a behavior problem. I do not recall the third boy's I reason, but decided to talk with their teacher. Yes, the boys were problematic. One boy came with tight pants! the second boy had long hair! I decided to make home visits to get a picture of their behavior at home. First mother: The boy has never been a problem at home or in school, He's very helpful with his younger siblings. But the tether called that he is a problem and is to be expelled. I said the problem is tight pants. She explained that the father likes that style, wears it himself, and buys such pants for the boys in the family. But if it is a problem they'll get him regular pants.
Second mother: similar story. Never a problem very helpful but the teacher called. I said the problem is long hair. She said the boy liked it long, because It's the latest style. but if it is a problem, they'll give him a haircut.
the next day I told the principal there were no reasons to expel these boys. He said it was too late.
He had already send expulsion letters to there homes, I said very quietly, "If they go, I go". He asked why. I said I did not want to work in a school that expelled boys for silly reasons.
The next day he called me in his office and angrily told me that the boys can stay, but the moment they create any problem whatsoever, they are automatically expelled, and he had told their parents that Their teacher did not talk to me for a year. He took it as a personal affront. I explained to the principal that part of my job was to be a defense counsel for the children. He said I was too good a counselor. These were not the first children I had protected from expulsion.
The second 'success' that came to my mind was a real behavior problem. His teacher told me angrily, that he knows that I am protecting the boy, but the behavior is totally unacceptable and the teacher would see to it to the boy is expelled, no matter what I do or say.
I told the teacher I wanted to tell him a story that would take five minutes, after which if he still wants the boy expelled I will not interfere. In my first talk with the boy, I asked his last memory of his father, who died when the boy was in kindergarten. The father used to take the boy to the .
kindergarten every morning, since the father was a teacher in a school near by. One day a neighbor took the boy to the kindergarten. He thought nothing of it. During the morning the neighbor came again to take him to a local park to the swings and sliding pond and other children's games. He went joyfully. On the way they stopped for a red light and on the other side of the road there was a peculiar car. It was longer than most cars and in the back there seemed to be a box covered with a black blanket.
The light changed, and he forgot about it, and he really enjoys the children's games. He remembers laughing and shouting and giggling and having a wonderful time. He never saw his father again. When he got a little older he understood what had happened. That morning his father had had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. That's why the neighbor took him to the kindergarten.
His father died and his body was sent home for burial. That's why the neighbor took him to the park. That peculiar car he had seen was the hearse carrying the draped coffin. The boy remembers that while they were burying his father, the boy was laughing and giggling and having a wonderful time. He feels he was a disgraceful son and deserves much punishment, which he brings upon himself from the teachers.
I then told the teacher that I feel ourj ob is to have him understand that he did nothing wrong, what happened was not his fault, that he is a good son with respect for his father's memory. I added that if the teacher feels the best we can do is expel the boy, I will not interfere. He lowered his head and walked away. The boy was not expelled.
Alan asked if any of these boys ever thanked me. No. He than asked if any boy ever thanks me.
Yes. Two boys, who I was sure would be angry with me, thanked me. They had been seen riding in a car on the Jewish Sabbath (not allowed by Jewish Law), they were immediately expelled. The administration felt that if they remain in the Yeshiva they would be a bad example. Since technically I was part of the administration, I was sure the boys would be as angry with me as with everyone else.
Each of the boys called me and asked to see me. One of them handed me a book as a present and said I had been so helpful to him during his almost two yes in the school, he wants to thank me.
I could not believe it. The other boy said that for some months he had met with me once a week to discuss his family problems.
He now had no one to discuss it with and asked if we could continue meeting. We continued meeting Friday afternoon on a local park bench. That was his thank you to me.
At his next lecture Alan Romm told the class he had met someone who had a fulfilled life and did not know it. Later, when we spoke, I told him part of the reason I do not feel totally fulfilled is that I failed as a husband. I am divorced. He said I did not fail as a husband. I simply married the wrong girl. He added that I am a good-looking man and there are plenty of women who would be interested in me. I realized that Alan Romm was doing for me what I had spent a lifetime trying to do for school children.
Finally, during one lecture, Alan asked each of us to choose a goal and to set a time limit for accomplishing it. He reminded me of something that happened 30 years ago, when I finished my master's at New York University, in my 'old home', New York City. Two professors came to me and explained that the procedure for going for a doctorate is that the student fills out a form and asks two professors to sign it as a their my of indicating they believe their student to be doctoral material .
However, as I had not filled out the forms, they filled it out for me and had signed it. Al1 I had to do was bring it to the office. I respectfully asked to explain something to them. The average student who works days and studies part time, in the evenings, takes up to three or at most four years to complete the master's. I have had dyslexia with reading and writing problems all my life. It took me ten years to complete the master's, and I am in my mid 30's. A doctorate would take me 20 years, and I'd be in my 50's.
They were quiet a moment and then asked me, or better yet, said to me, "If you go for your doctorate it will take 20 years, and you'll be in your 50's. And how old will you be in 20 years if you do not go for your doctorate? As I write these words, they sound almost humorous. but I realized the two professors were saying that I am doctoral material, and it would be a shame to waste it.
Well, I did not go for the doctorate Instead I got married and it was a horror from day one, Eight years later the horror ended and I moved. I am retired and I have time to study, and with Alan's prompting, I've decide to go for the doctorate. In the States, people my age go back to school. I can do it too.